A little over six months into this journey, I find myself trying to negotiate a sort of uneasy truce with the heartache of losing my son. I am realizing grief will be with me for a lifetime, and I feel like I’m closing in on a vision of how to carry it. On my best days, I let it sing to me, sweet memories of his life and essence that draw me closer to him and to the Savior.

©2019 Susan Noyes Anderson

image by Ines Alvarez Fdez on Unsplash

I think that as the time goes by
I feel your absence more.
The stark finality of it
grows harder to ignore.

©2019 Susan Noyes Anderson

image by Annelies Geneyn on Unsplash

But here is the thought that breaks me,
the grief that overtakes me.
In this world, you have left a hole,
unfillable by any soul,
the loss far more than mine to bear;
a wealth of worth was yours to share,
and minus you, a void exists…
your mind, your heart, your wisdom missed.

©2019 Susan Noyes Anderson

image by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

New Year’s Eve, and a wave of grief
carries me back in time,
back to the days when the air was sweet
and the fruit was on the vine.
The skies were blue; the skies were gray,
but what I loved was mine,
back in the days when the air was sweet
and the fruit was on the vine.

©2018 Susan Noyes Anderson

image by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

I live in a place where the sun shines bright,
and the mountains meet up with the sea;
but it hurts my heart to have you gone,
and I wish you were still here with me.

©2018 Susan Noyes Anderson

image by Mariana B on Unsplash

I thought the holidays would be
a time of grief and misery,
a stark reminder of our loss,
a multiplying of the cost.

©2018 Susan Noyes Anderson

image by Anuj Yadav on Unsplash

I’m hungry for the sight of you;
the shades, both dark and light of you.
The way you held yourself, your smile
(gone missing for too long a while).

©2018 Susan Noyes Anderson

image by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

I miss you in this world. You’re gone
before my heart was ready.
(Though readiness was not on the horizon.)

©2018 Susan Noyes Anderson

image by Noelle Pim on Unsplash

The boy in you lives on in me.
I hold close every memory
of soft blue eyes and thoughtful gaze
and all your cute, endearing ways.