grief and remembrance

My Heart Is a Google Drive

Written by Susan Noyes Anderson on . Posted in Poems about Death

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©2020 Susan Noyes Anderson

My heart is a google drive.
Streamed memories of you
float through the cloud
in my less-sunny mind.

An often-viewed assortment of
mixed ages and all stages,
good moods and lengthy
broods, a motley find.

Kaleidoscopic flashes…
basketballs, wristbands and
shoes, cool shoes of every sort
and style and hue.

A curly head, a sleek bowl cut,
that championship buzz,
big wheels and stethoscopes,
to name a few.

I see you by the ocean,
in the car, your crib,
my dreams. The court, the track,
the playground, parking lot.

Your scalpels in the dresser,
Lakers roundball in your hand,
whirling upon one finger
like a top.

Vanilla shakes and birthday cakes,
pajama pants and hoodies,
that watch collection,
sunglass stash and more.

Those golden days, relentless nights,
hospitals from both sides,
bright waves that rose
to crash upon the shore.

The juggling, the jabbering,
the suffering, the jokes.
The words that landed deftly
in my brain.

From gummy smile to bashful grin
to full-on cocky smirk,
blue eyes of life and death,
all these remain.

My heart is like a google drive.
My head is in the cloud.
Around me endless joy,
enduring pain.

Grief and remembrance go hand-in-hand when bereaved parents think of their lost children, which is much of the time. Child loss, in a very literal sense, never ends.

I would not want to forget my son, not ever, but memories of him are often bittersweet. Still, I am grateful to be his mother and value every moment spent with him in this life. I hold close the kaleidoscope of memories I carry, along with his very essence, in my heart.

One day, we will meet again, and absence will be replaced by presence. Needless to say, I await that day with great anticipation. Until then, my heart is and will remain a google drive…

If this poem resonates with you, you might also enjoy reading Notes on Grief: The Second Year,  Presence not Absence, and Broken but Blessed. Other suggestions are listed below under the heading “Related Poems.”

 

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